What The Hell Do I Know About Santa’s Memoirs?

I know, you’re confused. But Heidi you say, why does a nice Jewish girl from the suburbs think she can talk about the Kringle Extraordinaire? Point taken. But I figure if I simply apply my enthusiasm for chocolate and lingerie, to my enthusiasm for the big man in red, I’m sure to come up with something. Also, isn’t there some sort of mandatory kissing beneath a Dreidel bush followed by the eating of carbs? No? Am I confusing my traditions? Ah well, just let me give it a go.

Once again, New York Times Bestselling author Frank Delaney did a writing challenge on twitter.  This time we were asked to write the opening lines of Santa’s autobiography. I have to say this one was much harder than Halloween. In large part due to my morbid sensibilities which don’t necessarily lend themselves to Xmas. Be that as it may I channeled my inner tinsel and came up with the options below.

The child’s shocked eyes took in my soot covered girth. If I can’t figure a way outta this one I thought, elf heads are gonna roll. #FDSanta

“Elves,” I bellowed. “Bring me my toddy. The naughty list grows ever longer and my entrails are feeling the chill.” #FDSanta

Once upon a midnight clear I snuck down chimneys and drank your beer. #FDSanta

Celeste lies in her icy tomb, my child, my pearl. This yearly sleigh ride began for her. If only I still believed it meant something. #FDSanta

“Do you know how hard it is to find decent elves these days?” I said, cramming a fistful of sugar cookies between ravenous lips. #FDSanta

The world revolves upon my snowy axis. Greedy fools swallowing up tales of reindeer and elves. If only they knew the real story. #FDSanta

“You’d be amazed how little traction being Santa gets with the ladies,” I said, my matted beard sticky with peppermint candies. #FDSanta

There are chimneys my friends, narrow, soot laden, greasy chimneys that could set a man’s jowls to trembling. #FDSanta

If you’re reading this, my sleigh riding tour has ended. Leaving in its wake a broken & disoriented fool who once believed in childhood. #FDSanta

I am Claus. From my icy breath is wrought a world filled with longing. Children rest in the palm of my hand craving toys & attention. #FDSanta

Two of my entries made the top ten! I’m a bit proud of myself in a silly yes-but-it’s-only-140-characters-now-go-do-some-actual-work kind of way. And I have to tell you that the tweet I received from Frank Delaney which said, “Heidi, you are a GREAT competitor – truly literary and imaginative” was a wonderful gift for this gal who has a virulent case of the holiday blues.

If any of you kind readers see this post today, Thursday December 16th, could I trouble you to head on over to Frank Delaney’s Site and leave a comment in support of one of my selections? He will announce the winner tomorrow. Even if you’re not the commenting type, thanks for checking out my blog, and I hope you enjoyed the entries. Incidentally, if you are trying to inspire some new ideas, I have to tell you these little word constrained exercises are a wonderful way to get the creative egg nog flowing. Mazel Tov, oops, I mean, Happy Holidays!



About Madame Paradox

Heidi David is a writer and freelance producer. She is the author of an as yet unpublished novel, THE FLYING JEWEL; the tale of a traveling circus where the price of admission is one's free will.
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8 Responses to What The Hell Do I Know About Santa’s Memoirs?

  1. Peter Wilkin says:

    You are a literary genius HD … FD says so. You were born to write … an absolute natural. And I’m so pleased for you … really, really well done.

  2. Ilana says:

    You must do a post blowing one of these out, no? I am dying to know the story of Celsete. OH! I just had an idea. Post a bunch of story starters and then have people vote which one you complete. It’s like writing improv!

  3. Aunt Mary says:

    Very, very nice. Next year I’m sending you a present to offset your holiday blues.

  4. Blues? Blues? What possibly gave you that impression 😉

  5. Ann Mauren says:

    Well I just got sucked down a Heidi David rabbit hole! One click led to another and before long I was at the end of a hilarious list of Santa Claus Biography openers trying to decide which two made the top ten of the contest for which they were written. Incredibly well done, Madame Paradox! As a card carrying member of the Day Late and Dollar Short Society of North America, I am, alas, unable to vote for your entries in a way that will make a difference at this point, but they certainly made a difference to me tonight. Laughter and chocolate are the staples of my tortured existence. I just need to retrieve those Harry and David truffles from their hiding spot and my evening will be complete!

    Many thanks!

    • Thanks Ann, what a lovely message. I’m so glad you enjoyed yourself. It was the one about poor Celeste, and the one about the world revolving on his snowy axis, that made the top ten incidentally. I didn’t win, but still enjoyed the challenge enormously.

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