How it is that a pseudo holiday with all sorts of bloody origins ended up being the official gushy lovetastic extravaganza that is Valentine’s Day, only Hallmark really knows. Be that as it may, I shall honor the day with a few words of wisdom:
Remember fellas, giving a woman a firearm on Valentine’s Day is ill advised. Especially if you are the forgetful-cad-type.
If you’re looking for an alternative to the hum drum flowers and chocolate why not consider a headdress?
As you can see books are inherently sexy no matter the holiday.
Baby Huey however, is not.
Having trouble finding the perfect card, ladies? Nothing says talk dirty to me like leopard.
Important distinction to note here gentlemen. The man pictured on the left gave his girlfriend Godiva Chocolates, the fool on the right picked up a Whitman’s Sampler at his local CVS. Nuff said.
Is it me or does anyone else think Sweethearts are just re-purposed Tums?
A minor revision to the aforementioned Valentine’s Day firearm ruling. If your woman is in possession of what I can only assume is a fully loaded chocolate Grand Marnier gun, and arrives wearing a chocolate getup that looks like something out of a Russ Meyer film, you may still be taking your life in your hands, but at least you’ll die with a smile on your face.
Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker -Ogden Nash
And lingerie, trumps them all -Madame Paradox
Happy Valentine’s Day everyone.
Madame Paradox 
And a Happy Valentine’s Day to you too, my dear. Chuckled & sniggered my way through your wonderfully funny posting.
Obviously I will be going for the ‘book’ option. Hm! In that case, probably need to pop out & buy myself new suspender belt & stockings – former holding up curtain pole in lounge & used the latter to strain paint when I emulsioned the outside lavatory 🙂
Peter I’m not entirely sure if you’re describing using the curtains as jaunty Valentine’s attire (ala Gone With The Wind) or if you’re planning on painting the loo for your loved one this holiday. Either way, I’m thrilled to make you laugh.
DAMN! I left my headdress at the drycleaners. This always happens to me…
(missed you. glad to see you back…with or without leopard print.)
Thanks, I must say it’s lovely to be missed. It turns out I can actually get a post finished just as long as I write it from 1AM to 3AM. Sleepily yours in FLA. -MP 🙂
Excellent suggestions. I would like to combine the liquor, lingerie and the headdress. In fact, maybe one could keep the liquor supply in the headdress, just for convenience. Maybe some snacks, too.
LOL. And for his brilliant storage suggestions regarding decorative headdresses the award goes to…Vincent *H* Carrington III 🙂
Love it! Of course, for me, jewelry trumps all of it..except for genuine time together..covered in chocolate ( with that crazy hair you get from inhaling the fumes of too much chocolate:) I Love it all. Great Valentine’s Day post.Happy Love day lady!
Thanks so much. Jewelry, of course, how the heck did I miss any mention of jewelry? Also, I’m inclined to agree that anything covered in chocolate say, a berry, a poundcake, a dishrag even, is vastly improved. Happy Day to you my dear.
Well, paint a target on my heart and shoot me with the grandest Grand Marnier cannon you can find.
I assume you know Scottie that the Russ Meyer mention was for you? Had a hunch that one would be your favorite. 😉
I want it all. Start from the top and work way down to the lingerie. Actually, leave our the leopard, please. I’m not cool enough for THAT.
Ha! I doubt that somehow. Besides, based on your own blog post today I’d say the leopard would do wonders to distract from your hair… 😉
I’d look like a leopard with the mange. Now there’s an image.
Yeah, I could see myself in a chocolate headdress, reading a good book, with a big Grand Marnier Gun ready to fire, and relaxing on that leopard skin. Sigh, waking up from the dream now. Thanks for a well above average V Day post.
Thanks Chris. I’m glad you enjoyed it. I was in something of a fugue state at 2AM and this is what spiraled out of my brain. 🙂
I’m torn between the headdress and the chocolate Grand Marnier gun 😉
Great post Heidi! Happy Love Day to you xoS
Thanks so much Sandi. It would appear we are all quite intrigued by the Grand Marnier gun. Can’t say I’m really all that surprised. 😉
OK, that bit about the candy hearts is priceless. I’m still laughing.
Welcome and thank you. You know that was the first line I thought of and I wrote the entire post so I could use it. Glad I made you laugh. 🙂
Ahh! Tums! Hearts! Bastards! I knew they were one and the same!
Lisa
I’m lucky the antacid industry hasn’t put a hit out on me yet for revealing their dirty little secret. Wait? Did you hear something? Who was that? Is someone at the door? Aaaaaaah!
Yes! Sweethearts are repurposed Tums. And necco wafers are stale repurposed Tums. And if I had a body like Sophia Loren back in the day (and maybe STILL), I’d wear lingerie every freakin’ day.
Happy Bloody Origins Day, Heidi!
Thanks Ilana. Doesn’t Sophia Loren look unbelievable in that shot? A *real* woman I might add, none of this wafer thin heroine addict chic nonsense, I might add. And speaking of wafers…yes Necco’s, Sweethearts it’s all part of the same damn conspiracy. At least a red hot has some damn flavor. Happy Hallmark-makes-money-hand-over-fist Day to you as well. 😉
Hysterically funny, as usual! My only problem is that I no longer read print books; I only read on the Kindle. Don’t you think they’d look cute hiding behind the screen? And no one has to know by the cover what they’re reading, LOL!
But I could be persuaded to settle for the Grand Marnier gun….