A Few Love Letters To The Stupid Box

Dear Ghost Hunters:

Even though I’ve spent years in advertising and am well versed in the art of video manipulation, I am completely on board.  Just because there are never two cameras to corroborate moving objects doesn’t mean people should scoff.  And although it would require superhero powers to hear the EVP recordings over the show’s music track, I assure you, I’m a believer.

Via Paul Townsend

However, I feel the need to take issue with one tiny aspect.  It’s the spinoff, GH International.  Why does no one on the crew speak the language of the country being investigated?  I’m just saying, Hervé who spent ten years in the castle gallows in 15th century Spain is not likely to turn to a crew of American tourists and remark, “Gosh I am jonesing for a McRib right now, aren’t you?”  And even if you did catch this on an EVP recording, surely he’d express it in his mother tongue?

Unless you’re suggesting that the price of admission to the underworld is a ten week Rosetta Stone language course, I’d say something’s been lost in the translation.

Feel free to phone me for other helpful insights

Madame P.

Dear Sesame Street:

Katy Perry’s cleavage was too much for Bert & Ernie, really?   I think we both know those life partners are more likely to admire her designer shoes, then take offense at a harmless little bustier, don’t we? No one seems concerned about the Snuffleupaguses well documented dislike of The View’s Elisabeth Hasselback, after all.  Nuff said.

Yours truly,

MP

Via James Vaughan

Dear Housewives Franchise:

I should probably start by explaining that I am not familiar with your programs.  Orange County’s Gretchen dating that mimbo Slade is of no importance to me.  Tardy for the Party is not on my i-pod.  I’ve never seen New Jersey’s Theresa flip over a table while simultaneously attaching bows to every uncovered body part on each of her fourteen children, who are named after a place in Italy where she had sex with her no-of-course-he’s-not-a-mobster husband.  Danielle Staub’s horrific parenting skills have not given me nightmares. I definitely did not cry while watching Bethany Frankel get married.  And under no circumstances did I scream at the TV set while NY housewife Kelly tried to explain she is a “victim of systematic bullying”.

In other words, if you question me in a court of law these claims will go unsubstantiated.  No sirs, nothing but Nightline and PBS for me, with a BBC news chaser.  However, if I had wasted hours of writing time watching these miserable beasts I might make a casual observation.  It’s ironic don’t you think that in Washington DC, a town filled with drama, you managed to locate a housewife-five-pack of the driest, dullest, virtually unwatchable corpses around?  Obviously the people we’ve voted into office are steeped in such bullshit, noble service I mean, that it is not possible to steal the limelight away from them.

In fact, it seems to me all these politicians are an untapped resource.  I’m just spitballing here, but say you take a house full of politicians, all of whom have espoused the importance of family values and then gone on to insert egregious offense here.  Put them in scenarios where they are required to tell the truth.

By way of example: Politician X attempts to have sex with an underage goat while trying to sell government secrets in the bathroom at a Quickie Lube.  Enter reality TV’s Dr. Drew Pinsky of Celebrity Rehab fame to catch him in the act.  As soon as the politician claims the goat is a close family friend and that the exchange with him was merely the harmless frolicking of a god fearing soldier in the fight to support the rights of milk bearing mammals, that’s when the fun begins.  Dr. Drew will nod in that loving, patient, thank-god-they-are-paying-me-a-lot-of-money-to-do-this kind of way, and then calmly explain that for every lie Politician X tells he will have to perform the nastiest of spa services on the pundits of our day.  By the end of the season everyone in the Truth or Epilation house will have waxed the nether regions of Rush Limbaugh, Karl Rove and Glenn Beck at least twice.  It’s a win win situation.

No need to thank me, just please, get those DC women off the TV.

Regards,

Madame Paradox

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About Madame Paradox

Heidi David is a writer and freelance producer. She is the author of an as yet unpublished novel, THE FLYING JEWEL; the tale of a traveling circus where the price of admission is one's free will.
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5 Responses to A Few Love Letters To The Stupid Box

  1. I admit it, I love the Housewives series. However, the DC episodes were so boring. BUT! That DC reunion was to DIE for. Loved it!

    -Lucky

    • Of course, as previously stated I’m unfamiliar with these shows ;-). But if I’d seen the NY reunion I might say it was perhaps the most fantastic bloody thing, filled with weeping and awkward pauses, I never wanted it to end. If I had seen it, that is.

  2. Kate says:

    You know who gives me pause? Prairie Dawn. I mean, if ever a puppet had a bad case of the Manager Complex, it’s that one. Of course, her name is the boringest name in the history of all boringest names, but that’s still no excuse for constant exasperation with Cookie Monster. Him? Now THERE’S a puppet with his priorities in order.

    • Now I’ve had no choice but to look this gal up. Turns out she’s been around since the 70’s and yet I have no recollection of her. She does seem to be the walking definition of bossy, I’m not surprised you’d like her whacked. And by that of course I meant you’d like them to feature her less… Are you aware there is a “wiki” for muppets? Should anyone else require huge amounts of muppet trivia to use at parties try this link http://muppet.wikia.com/wiki/Muppet_Wiki

  3. mommyshorts says:

    Somehow the housewives have passed me over. Whichm judging by my track record, is odd. I think it was because I tend to be an early television show adopter and I watched they very first season which was Orange County. And it was HORRIBLE. So I stepped away. Now that I hear that YOU, of all people, are *NOT* a fan, and I may have to reconsider.

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